As we've learned from Andrea we are all in need of constructive feedback from time to time. And we each have improvements to make on our own active listening. Whether we're the one receiving the feedback or the one giving it, neither of those situations are comfortable. Like has been emphasized through this course it only gets better with practice. During this video, we will learn some key phrases for giving constructive feedback that help make the situation less uncomfortable. We'll also work on our active listening techniques. I've had times in my life where I've taken the constructive feedback just fine. And other times where I've walked away defensive and hurt. Sometimes it has been the way the message was delivered. And sometimes, it was just the situation, or the stage of my life right then. Maybe my boss didn't know my family had conflicts at home. Or that I have a child in the hospital or even that my self-esteem was just at a very low point. When you are giving feedback, try not to take anything personally and hope the person you are helping will do the same. You do all you can to deliver your message concisely but tactfully. Remember, your receiver is in control to how they will react. If they were in a difficult stage of life, it is not in your control and not your fault. The message still has to be delivered. But there's always room to show concern for others. As a teenager, I developed a bad habit. I was a mirrorer, meaning I mirrored, or copied, what someone had just said in the conversation. It started innocently. I was trying to prove that I was an active listener. But it soon became very irritating and annoying to others. What's worse is I didn't even realize I was doing it. Someone would say, for example, I went shopping on Saturday. And I would say, oh, you went shopping? Finally, one day, my mom offered some constructive feedback. Let's walk through the steps she used to help me recognize and improve my bothersome habit. Remember, your goal in giving feedback is to provide encouragement for positive behavior or to point someone towards a better behavior where they will perform more successfully. Business situations that require giving constructive feedback include ongoing performance discussions, giving specific job-related tips, following up on coaching discussion, giving corrective guidance, or letting someone know the consequences of their behavior. The word, constructive, means to buildup, and not tear down. Here's how my mom approach me when I was 17. Jenny, I feel I need to let you know that in conversation, repeating back what the person says is distracting and frustrating to the person speaking. The first step for constructive feedback is to state your purpose. Just like in a direct approach. Don't use, you need to, phrases. Otherwise, they will feel defensive right away. I feel I need to let you know is a great phrase to start with. Other phrases that work are, I have a concern about, I want to discuss, I have some thoughts about. After the statement I didn't fully know what my mom was talking about, because like I said I didn't know how often I had been mirroring people in their conversations. So her next line was, yesterday you were listening to Amy tell about her Tae Kwon Do match and you kept interrupting her with phrases that she already said. I know you were trying to listen to her, but she was really getting annoyed. The second step is to describe specifically what you have observed. Before you have a coaching session, make sure you have a few specific instances written down. My mom used the third step, too. And that is describe the reactions or actions of your behavior. How does this affect other people? Well, it was really annoying them to a point where they did not want to tell me stories anymore. What other reactions would occur in the workplace? Usually there is embarrassment, uncomfortableness, disrespect, irritation, aggravation or anger. Those are the human emotions we seem to struggle the most with. Step four give the other person a chance to respond. Phrases that work are, what do you think, what is your view of the situation, what are your reactions to this. Tel me what are your thoughts. When my mom asked me what I thought about it, I got a little upset. Remember, I was 17. This is where you still have to keep control of the situation. Be prepared for a variety of reactions. And be ready to stay calm yourself no matter what the situation turns to. Don't get angry yourself. Step five is to offer suggestions. This is where you may need to use common sense. If the person is incredibly upset, you may not want to give more than one suggestion even if you had more ideas. More can be discussed in a follow up email where you can better control your thoughts and words. Also, don't make up a suggestion just because you think you need one. Sometimes people need only to be made aware of the situation and they will improve. This was the case with my mom and I. Shouldn't I offer any suggestions? But what she already said was enough for me. I was now aware there was a place in my blissful teenage life I could improve. Heavens, how could it be? I was so perfect. One way to give suggestions is to use the person's name, but then tell a personal story about yourself. Bridgette, sometimes I wrote notes at my desk and tape them to my computer screen to remember things. Or you can use rather than you might want to sentences. Rather than gossiping about Catherine, you might want to spend some time getting to know her better. She has wonderful ideas. See how helpful using modals is here? Well, I haven't been 100% cured of my mirroring habit, just ask Wanda and Andrea, but I've spent many years working on it. Step six is to end on something positive. Give a compliment of something they are doing well. Jenny, you've always been more of a listener than a talker. I know your real intent is that you want to show others that you care. You can also suggest action in what you'll do and what you'll expect them to do. I'll take care of the extra paperwork to lighten your load and I'll expect you to come to work on time. [SOUND] We are flipping sides. No longer are we worried about what we need to say, but how we need to listen. All parents joke about not getting a handbook on how to raise kids. Yet why do they all know the phrases about having one mouth and two ears. If we were meant to talk more we would have been given two mouths, they tell us. Paying attention to what someone is saying is a very good way to make them feel heard, validated, and accepted. Usually when we are listening to someone we are thinking of what we will say next. When you are truly listening, there is a pause after the speaker because you were so busy listening, your own thoughts are still processing. Then, when you reflect back what you heard, or ask a clarifying question, the people you were with will really know you were listening. It's not a game, nor is it acting. It's real, authentic communication. When people feel like their opinions have been heard, they are encouraged to speak up and offer more of their talents and creativity. We all know we would learn so much more if we started paying more attention and listened. Since we have Mary fresh on our minds, let's make a list of listening don'ts. Sincere listening does not include mirroring, see it's at the top of the list, ordering, interrupting, preaching or minimizing. Also, don't look bored when someone else is speaking. Even if it's how you feel. Remember, you are still in control. Tapping fingers, humming to music, rolling eyes, fidgeting, doing other tasks are all nonverbal forms of boredom. Keep in mind that active listening as a boss or a manager only benefits you. It allows you to stay informed, up to date, even out of trouble, and increases the impact when you do speak. Because your employees know how you care. Active listening gives you a negotiating edge and continues to support valuable relationships. What should you do while listening? Focus on what the speaker is saying and make eye contact. It helps to focus on just one eye or the bridge of someone's nose. Hold your gaze for about eight seconds, then focus on the other eye. Don't be afraid to practice this, otherwise you'll look like you can't be trusted. We have 15 muscles in our faces that make expressions, so use them. Nod or lean forward sometimes. The best tip, however, for active listening is to ask clarifying questions when there is a natural pause. I'll mention a few, but I would encourage you to find the readings in module five for more examples and explanation. Can you tell me more? When did this happen? Let me see if I understand what you just said. I can see you are feeling upset right now. Open ended questions are also very helpful. Why? What would you like to see happen? I like to see it this way. How do you see it? How would you feel if it were you? Well, you have certainly proven your active listening abilities in getting through this video. Will you help me, this time, with the takeaways from this lesson? What are the six steps to giving constructive feedback? Yes, that's right. State your purpose for the feedback. Step 2, describe what you have observed. Step 3, talk about how this affects others. Step 4, give them a chance to react. Step 5, offer suggestions. Step 6, end with something positive. What are the three best tips that you can give to be a better, active listener? Focus on the speaker, make eye contact and facial expression. And when the timing is right, ask clarifying questions. Thanks for watching Business for Management and Leadership. We hope to see you soon in our English for Finance and Economics or English for Marketing and Sales. Thanks for listening.
