I want to think about a powerful tool negotiations which is the use of humor. We often think of humor as something superfluous or incidental to what's happening. But I want to suggest that humor can really powerfully shape our understanding of a situation, and it can definitely affect our relationship with our counterparts. And I think about what is funny and how humor works in a negotiation. One idea is to think about humor as it influences our relationships. If we laugh together, that puts us on the same page and helps us bond together. We can also think about humor as it relates to power so its power enhancing. If somebody makes a joke at somebody else's expense, or if it's self deprecating, you can make us more approachable. And we also think of humor differently as a function of the speaker. If the boss makes jokes, people are far more likely to laugh even when it's not funny, humor can also be important. The communication process we mentioned dodging and deflection where jokes can be very effective in both of these. So somebody asks how much money did you make in your last position and you respond with well is that going to impact who pays for the coffee? That joke is particularly likely to shift the focus of the conversation, but we also want to be very careful. That is, one important point I want to make about humor. You want to be very careful about humor that crosses the line and becomes offensive, humor is both very powerful and it can be risky. There are few different theories about what makes things funny humor is often tethered to the truth but it's exaggerated, and there's some surprise to it or something that's absurd or unexpected. Humor is highly subjective. So I might find something funny that you don't think is funny. It's also very social. It's something that happens together and so together, one person joking and laughing can really cause others to joke and laugh, and I can change and shift the tenor of an experience. And in negotiations humors often used by expert negotiators to change the nature of the dynamic. If something is tense or difficult, a joke can really smooth things and move things along or change the way we're relating to each other. There are few different theories. One is superiority theory. We laugh at people who are less accomplished or less able than us. There's a relief theory. There's an incongruity theory and a contagious theory, and I'll briefly describe these. The security theory is that others misfortunes might be funny. So this is like a pie in the face, or somebody slipping on a banana. They were laughing at somebody who's less fortunate than us. Relief theories, the idea that we're nervous, we want to vent ideas. So jokes about stereotypes can help us vent some frustration. So Chris Rock makes jokes that vent this frustration. So he'll say something like, yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white. So here he's making a joke that's about race. But here he's making it approachable less threatening. There's incongruity theory where like the odd couple things that don't seem to go together. So one classic joke that's incongruous. This joke, Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave kills over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts. My friend just dropped dead, what should I do? A soothing voice at the other end says, don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead. After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot, then Joe comes back on the phone, okay? He says nervously, what do I do next? So here is just income groups were like, whoa, this isn't where the story is supposed to go, and that incongruity might seem funny. Another key theory about humor is benign violation theory. So what's funny? It's things that are a violation, but they're benign. So it's not threatening. So making jokes about something that are violation, but they were not taking too seriously. So you think about puns, for example, puns violate norms of conversation about clarity, but for people that really care about the structure and these rules, they represent a violation, but they're not super threatening. So they're benign violations. Now, some people don't like puns, some people who don't really care about the structure of language. You're most likely to find English teachers or students of grammar, they're going to find the benign violation in there. But if it doesn't seem like much of a violation, it's just too benoeah. Or here I mentioned, Chris Rock, Chris Rock is telling these racially charged jokes. If other people were to tell these jokes or they crossed the line, there'd be too much of a violation. And it's finding that sweet spot of a benign violation that makes things okay. So as long as the violation doesn't pose a direct threat, it's not physical or isn't threatened my worldview, we can find things that are really in a sort of benign violation. We think about tickling if a creepy stranger tickles you, that's a violation, you tickle yourself. It's too benign, it's somewhere in the middle, like a close friend that tickles you, maybe that's a benign violation. Now, the flipside to humor is laughter, and laughter signals that something is okay. So it communicates that we're not concerned about a real threat, and it communicates something important to others. And laughter is one of our earliest vocalizations, infants start laughing, and it's something that bonds us with other people. We mentioned this idea about a violation. So more time as time passes or things that are further away, the psychological distance makes things less likely to be a violation. Things that are more hypothetical, we think about humor and negotiation, it can help build rapport, it can help us take different perspectives. So humor is linked with creativity. Humor can diffuse conflicts. So if it's a tense moment telling a joke can help diffuse that situation. I mentioned this idea about deflecting questions, so a tough question. We can then shift focus with a funny reply. We can also use humor to convey norms and values, so we can communicate information by using humor, so we might joke about somebody coming in late. We're making it a little softer because it's a joke, but we're also communicating our expectation about when people should be coming in. So the idea here is that humor can really shape a lot of our interpersonal interactions by creating solidarity. It could be more inclusive if we're all laughing together and signal our warmth or benevolence. Imagine a senior manager that jokes with other people and brings them into sort of diminish this power distance. But there's also a side of humor that can accentuate power if we're making fun of somebody else. Or we're making jokes about some other group that binds us with our group, where humor can do a lot of work in conversations that can highlight power, as well as breakdown a hierarchy. Now, laughing alone can diminish our sense of power, but it can also be very affiliative. And the laughter is often associated with mirth and humor. It often reflects some anxiety too, and you can tell if somebody feels very anxious which is so common in negotiations. They may be laughing just as a way to vent some of their anxiety. So that's another cue for us to assess how other people are really feeling. So I want to think about sort of affiliative humor that can enhance social interactions. One other key idea about humor when we often think of humor, we assume that there are some people who are simply just funny, when in reality a lot of very funny people prepared to use humor. So one of the key prescriptions that I suggest is before negotiation. Think about the context, think about the kinds of topics are likely to come up. And in some cases, you may actually prepare to use humor in a way that may seem more impromptu, then it actually is and we want to think about preparing jokes. Some of the most effective comedians and politicians actually extensively prepared to use humor. I'll share one study that used humor negotiation where they actually gave participants a joke to make at the very end. So at the very end of the negotiation, they said, okay, here's my final offer or half the people said here's my final offer, and I'll throw in my pet frog. So that was a joke. Maybe it's not hilarious, but here's my final offer and throw my pet frog. What they found is that regardless of the offer, if it was a high medium or low offer acceptance rates were higher when accompanied that joke. So here that joke help people say yes to a deal and some very classic negotiators. Like Henry Kissinger talked about joking with his counterparts in very tense and very difficult situations, and he made jokes like there cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full or do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency, that'll be okay, or my favorite joke if is it's 90% of the politicians that give other 10% of bad reputation. So he constantly made jokes a way of getting people to sort of put themselves at ease facility the interactions and build affiliation. So we think about the poor, our relationships, and information, and humor is a way to build relationships, and also also emphasize a hierarchy if we want to. It's also a way to think about information, avoiding answering questions, conveying information and humor is a way to do both of these things.
